Hopeless
by IrrevocableVision
Summary: (One Shot) They were in love...but they just couldn't admit it to each other. Now Kaoru's heart feels hopeless and Kenshin is still wondering if he will ever be worthy for her love. This is just a short story on how Kaoru feels.


*Author's Notes: Originally, I had started this out as a story but I decided that this was better off as a one shot. I just want to touch the emotions that Kaoru feels after the Enishi incident.  
  
Hopeless One Shot  
  
~Often, it is our hope that shapes our decisions and also hope that shatters our hearts-IrrevocableVision  
  
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She wished he could see the inner depths of her mind, the turmoil that always kept her  
  
guessing whether it was all worth it or not. So was it? Was it worth watching his  
  
crystalline lavender eyes show tenderness and caring whenever he looked at her...and  
  
everybody else. Worth knowing he would run to her side in a heartbeat if she was in  
  
trouble...and everybody else. He loved her, she knew it in her heart, just as he loved  
  
Yahiko and Sano and Megumi. That love would never be challenged or lost. He would  
  
willingly give his life to save hers, just as he would to everybody else. What feelings he  
  
showed were equally given to every member of the family, no more....and no less. The  
  
sense of security was wonderful and she would never willingly give it up...but-but  
  
would he ever treat her differently? His constant presence at her side was like one of an  
  
overprotective brother and had gotten even worse after Enishi. She wasn't allowed to  
  
step outside the dojo without him padding along. She wasn't allowed to go off on  
  
errands of her own. Gods, he even came with her when she went to teach at other  
  
dojo's. And throughout the whole time, he would smile down like a proud brother, or  
  
even worse, a proud father. He didn't want her to know it, but she knew. She knew that  
  
he now thought that she couldn't be alone, that she couldn't protect herself and that job  
  
was HIS. That she needed to be coddled like some weak little girl who didn't know how  
  
to properly defend herself. The security of holding a bokken had been replaced by a  
  
hesitation that made her wonder if she could even protect herself. She was years ahead  
  
of Yahiko in training and experience, and yet...Kenshin trusted the boy to be around  
  
him more than her. It hurt so badly to know that he thought so little of her. She had  
  
spent over a decade hardening herself so that she could be independent and strong  
  
only to have it smashed to pieces by his opinions. She couldn't live like this. Under  
  
Kenshin's shadow, to never be a woman in his eyes but a mere child. She let a tiny laugh  
  
escape from her rosy lips, a genuine smile lifting the corners of her mouth. Blue eyes  
  
sparkled in the sun and she leaned her head back against the porch's wooden beams to  
  
catch summer's last warmth. Time had passed slowly and quickly in the past two years.  
  
Days sometimes lasted minutes, full of the simple joys of a normal life. And then, there  
  
were the days that lagged, just like today, endless in their space and thought. Two  
  
whole years since he first came here, and not a thing was different between them since  
  
the day he first walked in her life. Nothing had changed for he was still courteous, still  
  
hard working, and above all, still polite. Her heartstrings were sometimes pulled to the  
  
limit and yet, he would politely smile and nod his head as if she was an honored  
  
grandmother. The sparkle in her eyes didn't dim but grew brighter as she looked at the  
  
fiery colors of the trees around her. Reds and oranges stained the trees, making her  
  
think of Kenshin even more. A plethora of memories surged through her mind but she  
  
fought them down, not wanting her heart to ache further. The cycle of life had grown  
  
her body, but battered her spirit. The awakening of spring blooming into the vivacity of  
  
summer, to the chilly warning of fall which died down into the coldness of winter. This  
  
cycle never waited for anybody, most especially for her. Time heals all wounds, that is,  
  
if they are willing to be healed. It appeared that her heart refused to give up, grasping  
  
on to hope like a babe would to a mother. It tightly clenched on to the hope that one  
  
day he would love her back and that all fears and reluctance would be banished. She  
  
could never woo him like a village girl, flaunting and flirting with all she had. Nor could  
  
she amaze him with her female skills which lacked in every department. She wasn't a  
  
beautiful or graceful woman with charm and refined manners. She couldn't do anything  
  
to win his love and that...that was the hardest blow of all. Nothing she had would win his  
  
respect, rewarding her with a place in his heart. The cloudless sky began to grow dark  
  
as clouds started to streak the blue heavens. No more laughter came out but she still  
  
smiled her smile, never letting it falter for a moment. She was not content but she was  
  
conscious of her deceptive thoughts inside, and that was the funniest thing of all.  
  
~~~~~  
  
She was stunning. The epitome of beauty and innocence rolled into one, the ultimate  
  
perfection. And though she was sitting right there, with her heart warming smile, she was  
  
farther from his hands than ever. It use to be that whenever he looked at her, he would be  
  
given reminders of Tomoe. But memories of Tomoe faded away into memories of her, and he  
  
hid himself even more. Could their love ever happen? His feelings for her had been cemented  
  
after Enishi had stolen her away, he couldn't live without her. But the real question is, was he  
  
worthy for her? Could he ever thank her enough for the strange normalcy of living in a family,  
  
the simply joy of doing everyday chores, and waking up every morning to be greeted by a  
  
brilliant smile that asked nothing more than for him to be there for her. Such a simple  
  
request, and he was already failing horribly. She needed to be held, to be kissed, to be loved,  
  
and she wanted all of that. But was he worthy enough to do that for her? She had already  
  
pledged her love, now all that was left was for him to pledge his. He watched her for just a  
  
moment longer before stepping into the sunlight, a smile plastered on his face but worn thin  
  
on the edges.  
  
"Kaoru-dono."He called out in that soft tone of his.  
  
She closed her eyes, a smile still on her face. That prefix after her name was a constant  
  
reminder of who she was to him. An honorable term used for acquaintances and not  
  
close friends who had shared much.  
  
"Yes Kenshin?" She finally said, her voice sounding like she was expecting something  
  
from him, something important.  
  
"It's time for lunch."  
  
The sun was blocked by a long gray cloud and shadows covered the courtyard. A  
  
desperate heart plummeted further into misery as a wind began to blow cold. And now,  
  
the answer to her question: Yes, it was worth it, despite the despair gnawing at her  
  
within.  
  
"......I'll be right there."  
  
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*I know this is a pretty short one shot, but this was just something I had to get out of my system before I go nuts. What do you think? Like? Sorta? Dislike? Tell me tell me!! 


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